Let’s be real

Not too long ago I had a friend tell me I was the least enthusiastic pregnant woman they’d ever known.  At first I laughed, then I was a little hurt by the statement.  To me it implied that I wasn’t excited to be pregnant or happy about our blessing.  That couldn’t be further from the truth.  However, the more I’ve thought about it, I guess I haven’t been reacting the way I expected.

When we first found out, I was thrilled and scared all at the same time.  What if it was ectopic?  What if I miscarried? When we heard the heartbeat I felt a huge surge of relief, but I still had a little nagging voice somewhere way back saying “what if…?”  The further along I got (and the more sick I felt), I felt better about things.  After all, they say morning sickness is a good sign that things are going how they should, right?  We decided to do the first trimester screening to determine if our baby was at risk for Down Syndrome, Trisomy 13 or Trisomy 18.  It included blood work and another ultrasound.  The little goober was bouncing all over the place and extremely active – very reassuring!

So I should feel great and excited, right?  While I am so excited, there’s still a concern in the back of my mind.  Next week we have our big ultrasound.  Not only do we find out the gender, we get a detailed look at all the important anatomy such as the brain heart and spine.  I am thrilled to finally find out if we’re having a girl or boy, but even more excited (and nervous) about the anatomy part.

You may be saying “really? why so worried? just enjoy this time.”  I’ve been telling myself the same thing, but its not getting rid of that nagging anxiety.  Why am I so worried? I’ve seen too much.  In my line of work, I’ve seen thousands of children come through the ER.  Most of them perfectly healthy kids who have a short term and fixable illness.  However, I’ve seen too many with complex congenital heart problems, malformed or missing organs, extreme prematurity, genetic abnormalities and syndromes you’ve probably never heard of.  Yes, all these are rare, but when you see one of these patients almost every day at work, it doesn’t seem that rare anymore.  Also, I come into contact with a decent amount of things at work that could affect this baby, specifically certain types of infections.

If our child has a medical problem, we will love them the same as if they were perfectly healthy.  But its the not knowing that makes me nervous.  If there is something wrong, I want to know and I want to know as soon as possible.  I guess its the planner in me.  So, while I like to tell myself that I’ll feel some sort of peace or relief after next week’s ultrasound, I’m not totally convinced.  But am I working on relaxing, letting go and putting my trust in God.  Not necessarily a trust that our child will be perfectly healthy, but that if they aren’t, we will be able to cope and flourish.  So here’s to next week’s ultrasound and my ability to relax and enjoy this time period and the miracle that is pregnancy.