All the feels

I am taking a break from travel posts because something is on my mind tonight and I felt the need to write it out.  Lately, I have been working a bunch and when not working, being stressed out about things at work.  I know it takes away from my time with Hannah, but it is hard to just forget about it at times.  However, this weekend I made it a point to be present with her no matter what.  If she was awake and I was with her, I was not looking at my phone or computer, thinking about work or stressing about life in general.   I was focused on her: playing, talking, singing, laughing.  I did not spend every waking moment with her. In fact, Saturday night C and I went to a party without her and watched the TCU baseball game at bar Sunday afternoon without her. But the time with her was devoted to her.

Today was a day for just us two.  She woke up early but nursed back to sleep.  When she finally woke up for the day, we played until she was acting tired and I put her down for a rather short nap.  Then we had lunch with a friend before doing some shopping at the mall.  We capped our afternoon at the grocery store where she played in the Boba carrier smiling at me and several other people while I loaded up on groceries for the week ahead.  Tonight I made dinner while C walked her as she was being fussy (due to terrible naps all day) but when it was time for her to eat, she gulped down the sweet potatoes I’d made her.  Finally it was bath time, one of our favorite times of the day.  She splashed, laughed, played, tried to stand up while still in the tub, squealed with delight and splashed some more.  Finally it was time to take her out and get her in pjs.  As I took her upstairs she smiled down at C while he said “goodnight, I love you” in his singsong voice (a nighty tradition ever since she’s been sleeping in her own room).  She then nursed, snuggled into my arms and fell asleep to lullabies playing in the background.  As I laid her down in her crib she stirred slightly so I placed my hand on her chest while shushing her. After a few seconds I quietly sneaked out of the room and tiptoed downstairs to relax before bed.

I had forgotten to order C’s last Father’s Day gift so I hurriedly designed and ordered it paying an exorbitant amount for rush shipping to have it in time.  But while doing so I was looking back through pictures of our little girl from the day she was born through last week.  And suddenly it hit me, a rush of emotions that are so difficult to put into words.  It was joy, sadness, love, desire, hope, pride and fear all wrapped up into a giant ball of “feels.”  It sounds so cliché but, in that moment, I realized how quickly the last 7 months have gone by and how quickly this fireball that is our baby girl is growing up.  And suddenly I wanted time to stop.  Don’t get me wrong, it is so fun and amazing to watch Hannah grow and develop and learn new things.  But at the same time, I want her to stay small and cuddly and….my baby.

Call me crazy but I kinda miss the squishy, snuggly baby who couldn’t sit up on her own, let alone crawl across the living room in no time flat.  But I know she will continue to develop, mature, learn and transform before our very eyes.  And since I can do nothing to stop it (nor do I want to, really), I will do my best to be present and engaged every step of the way.  I will try my hardest to focus on her and C when home and make my family my number one priority.  Because, when all is said and done, I won’t look back on this time and regret not working harder or longer.  I want to look back and remember not only the big moments like the first time she crawled, first solid food, etc but the magic and wonder of the everyday; like how she smiles at me when I get her out of her crib in the morning, her insistent whine when she wants to nurse, the squeal she makes when she gets excited, the shy smile she gives everyone in public, her laugh when I tickle her, the way she wrinkles her nose when she smiles or the feeling of her heavy weight while sleeping in my arms.  After all,  these are the things that bring me joy day in and day out.  It would be a shame to overlook them, wouldn’t it?

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